To live and to die

It has indeed been a busy week at work for me. It was also a crucial week for a close friend as the the diagnosis was confirmed. The big C. The unwanted C. The vicious C. When it smacks at somebody close to you, one would realize how fragile one is in knowing what the future holds. It is never ours to know or predict and the acceptance of such qada and qadar can be easy to be uttered, yet hard to be realized. 

It is common to hear sermons demanding to make death as one's ultimate motivation. It is the best motivation but in the midst of our daily lives sometimes it becomes the thing one wants to avoid to hear. Having a young family, young children with life thought to be ready full ahead is disrupted. Insha Allah, it is a blessing. The chance of actually knowing one's life expectancy. You and me, we will never know when it can be. As for me, perhaps after blogging this entry, i might just slip and have hard fall causing a massive intracranial bleed which can take my life instantly. That is much scarier to think about. Life is just to short to not be satisfied with. Carpe Diem.

Insha Allah, i pray to god for what is best. Of course, despite being at Stage IV it does not mean one should just let it be. A certain effort is needed to not cheat death but to realize how powerful Allah's will is.

One year after hijrah

It has been a year after i made the move. Alhamdulillah, it has been a fulfilling journey so far. The many things I thought it was not possible to do if one is in the private, I did it. It is possible to take leave and do charity work and of course, the journey of hajj. I guess it was my rezeki as the hospital I am now is relatively new. Therefore, the workload would not be as intense as established private sector. Despite that, the remuneration I made is sufficient and I am happy with what i am earning now. I have an understanding colleague and a healthy atmosphere with my surgical colleagues. What more do one wants kan? 

Is there any regrets? NOPE.. Insha Allah it will never be that way in fact a move forward with the hijrah. Honestly, it was never in my long term plan to join the private sector. I was a loyal servant especially to UiTM as I see great things that my faculty and University can achieve. I have always been a strong supporter and as much as possible, brought the UiTM tag with me wherever I go around the country. People knew me as the Dr from UiTM. I recruited a number of doctors and jurses to join the university. I had dreams to grow with Faculty of Medicine UiTM. We started the Cardiothoracic services and that is the highlight of my job with UiTM. A small new faculty and department but we did wonders to be able to do open heart surgeries in our humble centre, CTC. I learnt the off pump technique from a very distinguished surgeon, and i owe him the wisdom of clinical and maturity. 

So why did i leave? Soalan cepumas!! Tak puas hati dengan gaji? Problem dengan admin? Dizalimi roster? Haha Maybe few of the typical reasons of why doctors from the government decide to go private practice.Insha Allah, none of that is my reason in fact i wish i did not have to leave if it was possible. I enjoy the chaos and the rifts of emergencies that occur in government hospitals. Memang best despite when at that moment in time, we just had to do what we had to do. The environment in UiTM is condusive. Politics? well.. mana2 pun politics as that is part and parcel of life. One has to be cunning to realize one's potential. Of course, teaching the students. I miss that the most. To see the innocent young at their enthusiastic idealistic stage being nurtured into becoming complete doctors for ummah. Its a joy to see their faces as you share your knowledge with them and I do hope i would have the chance to contribute like that again in the future. 

SO what was my reason? Its our teaching hospital. The delay and frustration of the dream project for hopefuls like me really would be my reason. When i joined the faculty back in 2005, we had this vision of a medical city. An idea which inspired many others to have similar visions. I have always looked forward to the dream and motivated myself on it during my post graduate studies. It was not meant to be but we were promised our own teaching hospital circa 2015. I was really looking forward to that. Psyched my team on the dream to form our own department and unique hospital. 

Unfortunately, the project got delayed many times and the timeline moved with it. Early 2014, in a discussion with the new faculty management I found out that the project status was as how it was earlier planned. I was shocked and that made me rethink of my goals and aims.  Of course there were meetings, seminars , "FINAL" meeting etc but unfortunately it never got off to whatever reason. The VC announced regarding our teaching hospital in 2010, but as it stands now,. nothing conclusive on this project. 

My unfulfilled journey in the GAZA mission later in 2014 changed a lot of my beliefs and perception. I saw with my own eyes how weak the ummah is and how we are all gullible to the powerhouse. We can all just complain but can do nothing at all. We do not have the means to help the Gazans really. The only thing that they need and really plead if we wanna really help is to fund them. How can we fund them if we do not have the means? 

And i made my decision to part from UiTM despite my love for the institution. I still believe that the faculty and university will thrive. Perhaps not in my time and my rezeki. It will come and i guess i am the person who won't wait for things to happen. I try to make things happen! 

And here I am.. a year after. Insha Allah, prayers for better years to come in fulfilling my duties.

And I am 39

A belated birthday post for me! Alhamdulillah, I turned 39 last Saturday. The 24th of October. There was not so much of celebration this year, i guess because I was oncall. It was a nice feeling to have friends from all over wishing you from all social media platforms. Nowadays you don't really receive the old school birthday cards anymore, even from your closest family members! 

It was a cool Saturday. I spent my time mostly at home. Tutoring (more of drilling!) haha my elder 2 kids on their coming exam this week. The hospital  did not have any case though and all day i was reflecting on my life so far, of what has happened, what I am now and what my future will be...

Significantly, I am one year short before turning 40. Life begins at 40 they say. I read in an unnamed whatsapp message about the significance of the age 40 for man. And i was astonished with the fact of a verse in the Quran, Al Ahqaaf 15.. 

"We enjoined the human being to honor his parents. His mother bore him arduously, gave birth to him arduously, and took intimate care of him for thirty months. When he reaches maturity, and reaches the age of forty, he should say, "My Lord, direct me to appreciate the blessings You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and to do the righteous works that please You. Let my children be righteous as well. I have repented to You; I am a submitter." 46:15

Subhanallah. It is being mentioned about the Quran how significant age 40 is. AN age of maturity: the prime of life. The best of times for Allah's creation. 

And it was this fact that became the theme during my recent hajj. Of how, a reflection of what i have achieved so far and an evaluation of whether my so called achievements are tallied to the ultimate aim as the servant of Allah. 

I have never been a perfect servant. Perhaps maybe committing sins more than the supposed deeds. Masha Allah. 

I pray to Allah that he will keep me in the right path, the path of the righteous. And I pray really hard , that this realization i have before turning 40 would be constant and perhaps towards the penultimate goalof any muslim. Insha Allah. 

I'm back

The journey of my lifetime. Alhamdulillah, I'm back home now after a long absence on the blogging scene. I went to Makkah on the 12th of September and came back on the 13th of October. One month of my direct dedication to Allah and it was a wonderful experience.I will share with you guys in my coming postings. It was not possible somehow though to blog it in realtime. I guess, I was more keen to be in direct communication with god than with mankind.I twas my only opportunity which should not be wasted in the holy land. 

Am I a changed person/man now? Only time will tell. As the challenge now would be to maintain my istiqamah :) Pray that it'll be easy for me though i know that it will be a challenge!!