Testing one's iman

It has been a sad end of the month. Azad's wife deteriorated and finally found her peace on the 30th of January. Azad was in fact actively dicsussing in the whatsapp group towards Maghrib that day. He suddenly disappeared and came back, telling that his wife had passed away.

The diagnosis was perhaps in late October and her deterioration was so swift that within 4 months she left for the hereafter. Thats how fast lung cancer stage 4 can deteriorate. 

I guess that must have been the reason why I stopped blogging for a while. Totally had nothing to blog about. Perhaps the significance of being in front of a PC and writing something did not bring me peace. Nor was the novel i was writing in full speed, halted at chapter 14 at the moment.

Azad is like a brother to me, we have known each other long enough. Our wives were cousins thus the link to our blood relations at the moment. When he is sad, i feel sad. I know how heartbroken he is at the moment as that is who he is. He may be macho and look tought, but he is the sweetest person that i've ever known in my life.

What triggered me to restart my blog maybe because of a FB entry we wrote today. It brought tears to my eyes because when you do something for the person your dear most, you dont think. you just do. 

I wrote this for Azad the day after the burial. I could not sleep and i just had to write it down. It is how i express myself i guess.

Benar,
makna cinta teragung,
adalah cinta dengan penciptanya,
cinta yang bertunjangkan ketauhidan ilahi,
cinta yang berteraskan iman dan ihsan.
kelmarin ramai yang menjadi saksi,
bagaimana cinta dua manusia yang berpaksikan ya rabb,
berkekalan mekar selama-lamanya,

Sahabatku,
La yukallifullahu nafsan illa wus'aha,
Allah tidak akan menguji hambanya dengan sesuatu yang hambanya tidak mampu,
Allah menguji cintamu kepadanya,
Allah menguji kasihmu atas keesaannya,
Allah menguji ketaatanmu sejujur-jujurnya.

Tidak pernah aku melihat keikhlasan cinta,
Sebagaimana yang engkau zahirkan,
Manakan aku mampu lahirkan,
Daya usaha yang engkau korbankan,
tak pernah muncul keluh rungutan,
tak pernah wujud tanda sesalan.
kudrat luar biasa yang kau kumpulkan,
walaupun seringkali hati bagai diluluh-luluh,
menerima seadanya berita cerita derita,
duka nestapa yang datang bertimpa-timpa,
engkau redhakan jua dalam keterpaksaan.

Dari mana kau ambil kekuatan,
untuk merenung lau mata pemberi 5 zuriatmu.
mengharungi hari-hari terakhir bersama kekasih hatimu,
menatang jasad yang lemah dan tak mampu,
Yang kau tetap cintakan hanya kerana DIA.

Mungkinkah aku dapat menjejaki langkahmu,
Begitu mulia tanpa dipaksa,
cinta suci hanya milik isterimu,
cinta abadi yang pasti kepada Allah,
bisakah aku menjadi sepertimu,
Imam yang berpesan akan kalimah thayyibah,
tatkala sakaratulmaut menjelma,
Imam yang mendoakan kesejahteraan barzah,
apabila nyawa terpisah dari jasad,
Imama yang menyembahyangkan jenazah,
usai sempurna urusan,
Imam yang memeluk ampuh serapat-rapatnya,
membaringkan sekujur tubuh jasad berkafan,
di liang kekal tempat persemadian,

Abangku,
tanggungjawabmu menjadi khalifah,
ketika akad penghalal mudahcara,
ikrar membimbing pendampingmu ke Jannah,
bagai terlaksana sudah,
seiring tanda-tanda khusnul khaatimah yang mulia,
dikala kau redha mengizinkan pemergiannya,
tenang senyumannya nyata,
yakin untuk bertemu dengan penciptanya.