Solitude of reflection

Somehow I have a feeling that I'll be more active on my blog in this coming few weeks. I wish I can tell those reading this blog why but perhaps when I would want to say so haha But then again, sapa sangatlah yang baca blogs sekarang kan. I can only see this as my "Doogie Howser" journal for future reflections. My kids are more internet learned now due to Covid19 and it will only be time before they may find this and perhaps reading what has transpired since this blog came up when they were brought into this world. 

Its interesting that in the current unsorted Covid19 situation, we are all pushed back to reflect the meaning of our lives. Covid19 has robbed us the life that we know, it is certainly different with all the "act of terrorism" make us live in fear and uncertain.

It is bad enough that the 2021 strain is outsmarting us by targeting different profile and presents slightly different to those we had last year. We thought we have cornered it well but the narrative remains that we are still behind to get this whole nightmare awakened.

Honestly, in my whole response as a Malaysian I have tried to do my best to contribute. Not just at personal level but in my expertise capacity to help my fellow colleagues who are at the verge of burning out after 1.5 years struggling with this pandemic. At the moment, the exit strategy seemed to be the mass vaccination that would relief our healthcare system and perhaps a light at the end of this tunnel we are in. 

Saying that, we still have to wait the outcome of Euro 2020 and soon the Olympics. If the surge is under our control, then thank god we are on our way to resume the 2 year vacuum of what life is supposed to be. 

In this coming month I don't really know which part of my emotion that I will be exploring but I am sure there will be. In this chaos that I am in, time is surprisingly a surplus to appreciate.

The biggest adventure of my life

I am now in the biggest adventure of my life. I've always dreamt to do this. Always on my bucket list and this is the moment and time. Pray that all is well.

Insha Allah. 

The surge of Delta in Malaysia

The one thing i never understood is its not that the current situation was not expected. The europeans, the americans made plans of how to cope with it in stages. Of course they had to skip the earlier stagrs and cope with the overwhelming situation last year. However, countries like ours did not really take heed and i guess hoping for miracles. Or best still, its all just a nightmare! 

When the emergency ordinance was pronounced earlier this year, I seriously thought that it was well thought and needed only execution. So high was my hope that after being involved with few projects during this period, I am utterly disappointed that we did not have a complete full proof plan of how to cope with covid critical surge. We were quite good when the disease was confined to Category 1-3 but as the numbers of Cat 4 & 5 became evident with the delta strain, we are truly struggling as a nation. We are not so well off to start with hence the repeated measures that affect the economy is straining our coffers to the max. 

Alhamdulillah, I have had the opportunity to contribute when ad-hoc plans were made to increase the ICU capacity. The 4s principle of staff has always been neglected and this is where education and preparedness come into the picture. That is the only way to ensure continuity of workforce to cope with the severe complications of this disease. HPKK and Kepala Batas had this issue and as the surge continued, they just had to cope.

The Labuan project is i gather the most meaningful as it was truly needed. Labuan was not able to cope in all measures given their limitations. When i say limitations, they had numerous challenges which everybody had to think out of the box to think what is best for the field hospital. Working with the Malaysian Armed Forces personnels was also memorable :- a collaboration worth of its kind when an NGO like MERCY Malaysia was able to contribute towards this mammoth task. 

Aku Tanpa Cintamu

It was just moment of time before Faizal Tahir would decide to collaborate again with his fellow Mirwana members. And I would say one of my favourite song being rearranged. The song is good asthe melody and lyrics certainly would bring one to think of one's deeds. This song reminds me of my early days of housemanship in HKL. 

Telah ku mungkiri janjiku lagi
Walau seribu kali
Ku ulang sendiri
Aku takkan tempuh lagi
Apakah kau terima cintaku lagi
Setelah ku berpaling
Dari pandanganMu
Yang kabur kerna jahilnya aku

Mengapa cintaMu tak pernah hadir
Subur dalam jiwaku
Agarku tetap bahagia
Tanpa cintaku tetaplah Kau di sana
Aku tanpa cintaMu
Bagai layang-layang terputus talinya

Telah ku mungkiri janjiku lagi
Walau seribu kali
Ku ulang sendiri
Aku takkan tempuh lagi
Apakah kau terima cintaku lagi
Setelah ku berpaling
Dari pandanganMu
Yang kabur kerna jahilnya aku

Masihkah ada sekelumit belas
Mengemis kasihMu Tuhan
Untukku berpaut dan bersandar
Aku di sini kan tetap terus mencuba
Untuk beroleh cintaMu
Walau ranjaunya menusuk pedih

Ramadhan 1442

Its 10 days in Ramadhan 1442. 1/3 done and 20 more days to go. That is how fast time flies. 2020 and 2021 seemed to be a nightmare for the whole world. A lot of plans and doables are halted. We are not as free as how we used to be. Imagine how easy it was to sosialize, go out, go abroad and we can freely plan what we want to do with our lives.

Alhamdulillah, I have been blessed to still have a job to go to; enjoying my daily routine even though at times it can be demanding and mind boggling. Being in a tertiary private hospital is not as easy as it sounds. More so with the current Covid19 patients that we receive daily. Its a challenge to manage them and a challenge for the family too. It is not covered by any health insurance hence they have to fork out cash to pay for the treatment. Being in ICU is not cheap daily and imagine having to stay for at least a week. It can cost up to RM 200K for the whole stay. I am lucky to have a very good team and the communication is good between us. 

Everybody is hoping for Covid19 to go away so that they can relive back their live. Unfortunately I dont think it will. Covid19 has changed our lives forever. Things will never be the same again. In a way, I am glad that I've managed to maximize my travels around the world. Perhaps I can only tell my grandchildren how I was able to roam around freely without the current "normal" restrictions. There was a time we can plan and just do it without much thinking or planning. 

Allah is great, Allah knows better.

Narcissist toxicity

I was introduced to this terminology recently. It was widely being dispersed in social media and their aim was towards a rich well known celebrity. I am impressed with the social media fraternity who are beginning to untangle knowledge more than nonsense. This particular trait is well defined in the DSM 5 ( A classification by the American Psychiatric Association) for mentally related illness. I do remember learning about this during my psychiatry posting then. The classification is an evolving material hence it is more defined nowadays compared to before.

It is very interesting that there are even self help book on this. Not to mention it is widely available on the net. Wide resource, you just need to google it and yup, it comes up nicely. 

Looking at the characteristics, the issues raised and managing people with such traits, hmmm.. certainly interesting and I wished I had come across this knowledge much sooner. 

From one of the sources: 

"narcissism can wear many masks. Here’s a list of telltale traits of a narcissist courtesy of Karaine Sanders, Psy.D, a psychologist in New York:

• Self-concern, self-centeredness and self-consciousness that is disproportionate

• Extreme sensitivity to negative feedback or criticism

• Significant need for approval from others due to inadequacies that are real or imagined

• Poor self-esteem often expressed through self-deprivation or arrogance

• Difficulties within most relationships

• Intolerance for imperfections in others

• Often idealize others that represent perfection followed by devaluing that very person when they are perceived to have failed them

• Preoccupation with outward appearance, beauty, wealth, fame, success over morals, virtue or even integrity

• Poor emotional regulation, aggressive impulses, psychologically fragile

• Vain, self-righteous and prideful

• Lack remorse, compassion, empathy for others"

The list!! How mind blowing!! 

Toh Puan's farewell from IMU

It was in a way sad when our "mum", Toh Puan Safura who lead the MBA (IMU) programme decided to retire for good from working life. She was instrumental in the setup of the programme and we were the first "guinea pig" cohort. I can imagine all the obstacles that she had to endure in the setup and especially during the running ofthe programme with my batch. Haha 

We were in a way not too kind with a number of things but i believe it was reasonable. The programme was still at its infancy and fancy having a medical university trying to run an MBA programme. We supported her though through thick and thin. Alhamdulillah, 7 of us completed the programme during her tenure. The other 3 are on their way and they are on part time programme anyway. Hence, she had achieved success with us Insha Allah.

She threw us a party last month and it was a chance our cohort did not miss. It was some sort of reunion after the whole of 2020 being separated by the Covid19 Pandemic. It was good to meet up with the gang though we missed Sandra due to her last minute commitments. We had fun and we hope Toh Puan did too. 

The "notty" batch haha

our momento for her

the gang

MBA 1/19 Done and dusted!

Alhamdulillah, I believe that this will be one of my proudest moment in life. I completed the MBA which I started in 2019. I enjoyed this programme very much and it was an eye opener in the business runnings of healthcare setup.

I is an achievement because the reason i enrolled was to distract my mind. I was having issues then (still do haha) and I thought it a good way to channel my mind towards positive outcome. It was an interesting experience because I came into the programme as a matured student. I had nothing to lose but the potential to gain. It was a no holds barred me where in classes I express my opinion bluntly. Haha Alhamdulillah, i had good mates in the programme and was lucky that the bigger chunk were during the pre covid days. The old classroom which had hybrid online component. Who would have thought that the online mode became the future and we are all embracing this norm.

Honestly, I nearly gave up because I totally lost my motivation in 2020. Covid19 was an excuse but I just could not find the time and positivity to settle my Project Management which was the last components. Somehow, the news of the retirement of my supervisor spurred me to settle it before she retires. The ever loving and caring Prof Datuk Maimunah. I am in debt of her perseverance to sort me out before she leaves. Thank you very much Prof!

Completed my viva in mid March and Alhamdulillah, with that wasalam to MBA (Healthcare Management) (IMU) !!

with the panel Viva

What my office really looks like

Standard haha bawa macam tu je

Alhamdulilllah, I am very happy with the outcome. It was a cool mode of distraction. So what's next?

Saying hello to 2021 in April!!

I met a fellow old time blogger during the weekend. It struck me how I have neglected (yet again!) my blog. Our discussion revolved around how did we find time then to blog! I was much busier then.. in the midst of my specialty training concerned about exams. I had babies then to take care. It was almost impossible if it is compared to the time I have now. Both of us concluded its the other "short-cut" media social which has overtook our minds that we become lazy to write as how we had done then.

Opening up this blog today, i realized my last post was back in September 2020. And to realize how I did not put into record the events that took place after that! 

1) My Kinabalu 2021 feat.

2) Covid19 3rd wave in Sabah and my stint in Semporna for 1 month.

And these 2 were very significant! Adoi.. hahaha A lot going in my mind too I guess. 

Macamana nak qada? Should I qada'? 

I reckon I should as these entries will be my legacy. My kids now are at an age where they are inquisitive. The reason I blog was for this purpose anyway. Hence I must strive to persevere so that my children will know what I have in mind during this period. Perhaps making them understand too about me since I have not been physically present due to my job in Johor.

Well, lets see. 

Sekali sekala dihargai

Rare occasion when an anaesthetist is celebrated by the patient. Of course smiles all over, such a warm feeling :) It was a year ago the baby was delivered via caesarean and Alhamdulillah, all is good :)

Salam Merdeka Malaysia ke 63!

To all my readers out there ( honestly i dont think people read blogs anymore.. haha especially the erratic ones like mine nowadays!) 

MALAYSIA DI HATI!!

Since the MCO has been extended till the end of 2020, i would reckon there will be no more overseas trip for me this year! Luckily had mine in January and February... 

But Insha Allah, there will be summit to be reached in 2020 :)

The cool online workshop we had SIGRA

It was a project where SIGRA approached the industry to have it done. It was the first ever done in Malaysia and preparing for it was not easy. It was the pinnacle to showcase how in private we do blocks too and its a skill which is needed in private practice.

Alhamdulillah it went well with the excellent support of AV which transmitted us live during that weekend. Luckily we managed to get a last minute patient to show instead of the pre recorded version that we did as Plan B.

Certainly enjoyed the stint and looking forward to future online live workshops :)

Raya Covid19 2020 OT celebration

Better late than never! It was celebrated on a lower key but nevertheless good food and spirit saves the day😊

The new norm: Webinars

A new thing that i discovered during this pandemic is webinars. I dont think we will be able to attend conferences in the near future because of its social gathering; the latest SOP allowing up to 250 for meetings/seminars/conferences.
I attended few of these webinars which can be interesting. I was given the opportunity by this new company teying to penetrate Malaysia to deliver educational talks online globally. The nervousness i felt last night was the same as how presenting at an international seminar. I enjoyed the session anyway😊
I guess for now, this is the only way to spread knowledge from home!

Half year 2020

Its mid year now. Mid year 2020 !! Just like that... Wow time flies so fast and the world is still guarded with the Covid19 Pandemic that has changed a lot of ways of life.

The MCO has been lifted to another jargon of PKPP. International borders are still closed and Im sure till end of the year. Hence, it will be sometime before we can all go travel abroad.. to places where we want to explore.. 

my OT locker.. halted. 

2020.. Certainly a year and time to remember for the current generation. The real struggle and war against the unknown. 

Congratulations Menk & Reem !!

It was supposed to an epic wedding. My younger brother marrying an egyptian girl and the reception was to be held in a famous Cairo park in Egypt. The whole family was there in Cairo few days before the weddding as planned. The kids were all excited and the trip to Cairo was sort of a dream for kids in exploring the pyramids and the mummy museum.

Unfortunately the world was in crisis at the very same time. The unknown attack of a deadly virus that crippled the world slowly starting from Wuhan. In Europe the death rate of the Italians and Spanish were unbelievalble and the world did not really know how to respond. This wedding was planned months ago and in a way it was a risk that the whole entourage took. Because it was family and family comes first.

It was heartbreaking when on the same day as we arrived in Cairo, the lockdown was to happen back home. That was not too bad considering that we would just have to follow any procedures that is demanded by Malaysia. The surprising news when at that very night, Egypt announced that it will close its borders to everybody in the next 2 days! Nobody expected such announcement looking at Egypt's situation then which was not as serious as Europe. We were thinking it would be the week after. 

It certainly brought unrest to my brother who had to make the decision to get all of us back home before the closure. He asked me, and I immediately told him. EVAC. You certainly dont want to be stuck in Egypt during these times. I was here during Ramadhan years ago during their standoff with Gaza and it was not an encouraging scene. Not in Cairo.. not in Egypt!

Alhamdulillah, we managed to get the flight out after a very short stay in Cairo. But we had too. I pity Meng on his plans for the family and the wedding which had to be cancelled. It was unsafe times.

Alhamdulillah, he is married now to Reem. My doa that they will be together till Jannah and may they bring me more nephews and nieces :) 

A modest Aidilfitri 1441/ 2020

Salam Aidilfitri from the MDQS:)

It was a moderate Aidlifitri. We are in the midst of CMCO. The earlier ruling allowed husbands to go back to their families but the recent rush of balik kampung by families who were trying their luck made the MKN to void the earlier announcement. That made me a bit worried if i was to denied my travelling back to KL. I book my flight on the even of Syawal!! However, knowing how Malaysians can be I had my permit done earlier on the last week of Ramadhan. Alhamdulillah, I was let through with the police permit but not without tight and strict filtering. Redha je if they did not allow me to go back because they are just doing their job. I had my papers done so officially I've done my part too. 

On the eve of Syawal we continued the traditional routine of family takbir in Taman Tun. This was very significant this year as there were no mosque activities since March and the whole of Ramadhan. A very weird Ramadhan for me to experience in my lifetime. Perhaps, for any muslims in the last few centuries!
Alhamdulillah, it was enlightening to see my son leading the takbir and prayers. I have always

 encouraged him to do so since his younger age and of course my 9 year old boy! Haha Mizan has always been disinterested but i reckon he realized how in this family, as a male he will always be obliged to be the leader. And alhamdulillah, he recited it well (as he had practiced vigilantly under Qayyum in the last week of Ramadhan) 

Again, Aidilfitri prayers was a first for all Malaysians to be performed at DJ home. Either the HEad of the house or the most learned male to lead it. I had Qayyum to do it and it was very encouraging to see him fairly comfortable in this role especially the sermon post prayers. He is ready to go out there! 

A simple Raya: just close family gatherings and no ziarah. Alhamdulillah, eventhough it was modest but it was a very meaningful CovEid 2020 :)

Reaching half way 2020

2020. What a surprise it has been. Who would have thought in 2019, what is currently happening at the moment. Thw whole world has changed with the introduction of Covid19 - a smart bio terrorism agent impairing all including the superpowers of the world. The war that the whole 8 billion human population had to endure with ;- silent but very damaging maybe not so much on the mortality rate but more of the uncertain future it has pose to the next generation.

I glanced through my blog from 10 years ago. The content was very raw- honest life experience as how I felt there and then. How I have progressed and am at where I am at the moment. Still relatively young, there are more years to come godwilling. I reckon its very unfortunate that I may not have been active in the last few years on the blog ( I blame it to other social medias! FB, twitter, IG) as these medium may have occupied my time in browsing rather than expressing myself.

I used to blog during my calls, in between patients as it was pointless to try to sleep when your mind was very active even in the wee hours of the morning. Nowadays, I guess its age factor as well, I don’t seem to sit down and throw my thoughts in this space of mine. I wonder why.. is it that my life has gone plateau that I don’t find it interesting to pen my thoughts anymore?

One good thing I reckon I achieved through blogging was somehow it improved my written english. Eventhough there’s no teacher to correct my grammar or pinpoint where I can make my writing more interesting, it has evolved so much. My flow is definitely better than what it was 10 years ago. I was very surprised the other day when the story that was published was my own. Ie the editor did not change much my sentences and flow! Interesting!

It has been a very eventful year for me too. My Aconcagua trip to the unlucky short visit to Egypt for Meng’s wedding; and then the MCO with my Covid fellowship in Sungai Buloh. Who would have thought we are banned from going to the mosque to perform Friday prayers and the ususal ingredient of tarawikh in mosque has since become a distant memory. No wonder the keyhome message from the China Medical team (during their visit to our country) was cherish your time.. cherish your family. Its true because I have a feeling, things are not going to be the same again post Covid19 era. 

Covid fellowship tales 3

Covid fellowship tales 2

https://www.hmetro.com.my/mutakhir/2020/05/573974/pesakit-covid-19-tiba-tiba-kritikal-sekelip-mata

https://www.bharian.com.my/berita/nasional/2020/05/684604/covid-19-pakar-bius-kongsi-pengalaman-bekerja-24-jam-stabilkan